Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Simple Fashion Rules

It never seems to amaze me the people that go out in public without looking in a mirror (or atleast that is what I hope is the case). This hot weather has some pretty trashy acts walking around the streets of Ottawa (if I only had a camera).

Take for instance the old school adidas shorts (or those of you may recall Thessalon Public School's 1988 mandatory gym shorts). These shorts were manufactured in the mid 80s... super short, and served no purpose except for the fact that they would make good halloween costumes 25 years later.

Yesterday I witnessed a rathered weathered yet skinney woman in her 50s... who was sporting an extra small pair of these short shorts with her ass checks sagging below the bum line (take time to get a visual here folks!). Yes... we all recall the 47 degree weather that we had yesterday, and while the majority of us felt like going out in public naked, we refrained from sharing our complete selves with the rest of the world because its WRONG. This lady on the other hand had no shame... to accompany her stylish shorts, she sported an extra wide cream coloured bra with a dirty white spaghetti strap tank top over top... and let's not forget the faded black bandada on her head or the velcro baby blue shoes on her feet. She looked lovely as she opened the door to her 1983 rusted out Pontiac 6000.

Now... you might mistake this post for a nasty jab of those individuals less fortunate than I.... but it is (of course) quite the contrary. Time and time I again I see helpless women (and men) who are crying for fashion advice... first there was the unspoken underwear rules... now its seems apparent that some women are asking for a life line when it comes to 'dressing for those extra hot days'.

As with the majority of my fashion advice, I like to keep it simple... its not rocket science. I like to follow simple steps and rules that will ensure success rather than misfortune. So... without further ado... here are the simple steps to solve your attire problems on those extra hot days.

1. If you are thinking about wearing something/anything that you bought in 1980... take any means necessary to get to the nearest trash can and immediately toss out the item.

2. If your bra is an inch wider than your tank top on either side... find a different bra, or a different shirt.

3. If your tank top is old, dirty, or stained, and you are going out in public... don't.

4. Velcro shoes... I shouldn't have to go there... its acceptable if your 80 and have Parkinson's but otherwise... get yourself a cheap pair of KEDS.

and finally....

5. NEVER EVER let your ass (or boobs) sag lower than your clothing... EVER!

Now... was that so painful...? Follow these simple easy rules and you won't end up hearing about yourself on this blog.

That's all for today's Fashion File.

Can you tell I need a vacation... 2 days to go and counting.