Wednesday, March 08, 2006

' close'

Yesteday, I took the plunge and decided that I needed to get contact lenses. I had my first eye appointment in two years and since I knew my eyes were getting worse, I told the doctor that I thought I would like to get contacts as I am back in school, reading the board everyday, and I find that I need my glasses more and more for driving, curling, and other sports, etc. So she agreed, and set me up with her assistant for the 'teach & try' session....what an interesting half hour that was.

They have you scrub in, like your going to perform surgery on this case yourself. So I scrub in, dry off my hands and prepare to learn how to poke myself in the eye in a consistent fashion so that the end result is better vision. Years ago, I would not have wanted to be the monkey who this test was first performed.

So...let's set the stage. On the right hand side of me, there is a mirror 5 inches away from my face, and on the left hand side of me there is the teacher (Tina) 5 inches away from my face. So now that we are nice & close to the teacher & the mirror, let's begin.

Tina proudly shows me how easy it is. First you place the contact lens on the tip of your index finger, then you take your left hand and approach your eyelid from overtop the forehead (so that your eye doesn't suspect it coming) and you forcefully pull the top of your eyelid up towards your eyebrow (which I can see need a wax after looking that mirror). Then you take your other hand and forcefully grasp the bottom of your eyelid. Now that the eye is pried open and drying out, you proceed to place (ever so gently) the lens on the middle of your eyeball. Sounds easy enough, until your eyelid & eyeball start having a spasm and you can't seem to forcefully hold anything open, then your eye starts to water and Tina announces in a dramatic voice ' close...try're doing good'. Thank god it's not actual surgery, because I wouldn't want to hear ' close'.

I think it took me so long because I was getting caught up in the look on my face in the mirror as I tried to gently place the lens on the eyeball. My mouth was wide open, and the wider I would open my eye, the wider I would open my mouth (why do we as humans do these things???) I started laughing a few times and that threw off my I had to refocus and get back to the task at hand.

At any rate...after about 10 attempts of ' close' I manage to get the lens in.

Whooooooooooooooooooooooooo hoooooooooooooooooo

But doom set in as Tina announced 'now...for the left eye'.


After another 15 minutes of prying open the eye, poking, and jabbing, I successfully (although I wouldn't say this word is appropriate given that it took 15 minutes for me to complete the task) was wearing my contact lenses.

Once you get the suckers on....then you have to show Miss Tina that you can take them out. I felt like saying 'Good god, give me a minute to bath in my success, would ya?'. But since Tina was on a tight schedule, I removed them a lot quicker than it took me to insert them, so I was off to the races.

I am happy to report that this morning, in under 10 minutes, I managed to put the contacts in with little to no trouble, and was quite surprised how enjoyable these babies are. I still had my mouth wide open, but hopefully that will change over time.....HOPEFULLY. For today, I am just going to enjoy reading the bored at school without squinting anymore and without wearing glasses.